How embarassing, the bouquet

And more marriage stuff from ol' montague. don ----- Original Message ----- From: xxxxxxxxxxx To: xxxxxxxxxxx ; xxxxxxxx ; xxxxxxxxxxxx Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 7:39 AM Subject: FW: How embarrassing -----Original Message----- From: xxxxxxxxxxx Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 5:04 AM To: Undisclosed-Recipient:@mail.xxxxx.net; Subject: Fw: How embarrassing You are at a wedding. You are a total Diva. The best dress, a perfect hairdo... You fall in love with an invited guest ... You get secret looks the entire night... On the dance floor, he's by your side constantly, and he dances like a god... You are the couple of the evening... The anticipated moment has arrived for all single women... The bride is about to throw the bouquet... You are first in line, in a strategic position... Once there, you wait for the right moment... You look at him sensually, and with your eyes you tell him..... If I catch the bouquet...I Will Marry You! And then, the moment you've been waiting for... The bride throws the bouquet... He doesn't stop looking at you... You jump like never before to catch the bouquet... Your arms stretched out... Your hands open... And suddenly...

Secret to a happy marriage

Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 5:01 AM

To: Undisclosed-Recipient:@mail.xxxxxx.xx;

Subject: Fw: Secret to a happy marriage A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, " Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the bar... you know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips. "But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that...." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?" ....and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

The Blonde's Year in Review

Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2005 7:16 AM Subject: The Blonde's Year in Review> THE BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW >>> January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.>> February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit> into the typewriter.>> March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6> months because the box said "2-4 years.">> April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.>> May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those> little packets.>> June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with> a slope.>> July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained > to> the judges that the other swimmers were using their> arms.>> August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their> locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top> was down.>> September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C.">> October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel.>> November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour> per pound and she weighed 120.>> December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone>

Things You won't hear a Texas Say

Assorted sources of Texas pride, from ---redacted---. ----- Original Message ----- From: ---redacted---.aol.com To: ---redacted---@houston.rr.com Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2005 8:46 PM Subject: Things You won't hear a Texas Say (If you're not a Texan, just substitute some other state...)Things You WON'T Hear A Texan Say . . .~*~ Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.~*~I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex~*~Duct tape won't fix that.~*~Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.~*~Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.~*~Hell no, we don't keep firearms in this house.~*~Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?~*~You can't feed that to the dog.~*~I thought Graceland was tacky.~*~No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.~*~Wrasslin's fake.~*~Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?~*~We're vegetarians.~*~Do you think my gut is too big?~*~I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.~*~Honey, we don't need another dog.~*~Who's Richard Petty?~*~Give me the small bag of pork rinds.~*~Too many deer heads detract from the decor.~*~Spittin' is such a nasty habit.~*~I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.~*~Trim the fat off that thar steak.~*~Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.~*~The tires on that truck are too big.~*~I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.~*~I've got it all on the C drive.~*~Unsweetened tea tastes better.~*~Would you like your fish poached or broiled?~*~My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.~*~I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.~*~Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.~*~Checkmate.~*~She's too young to be wearing a bikini.~*~Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?~*~Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.~*~I don't have a favorite college team.~*~Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.~*~I believe you cooked those green beans too long.~*~Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.~*~Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

Don't Fall Asleep in Church

Sent: Friday, May 13, 2005 10:58 AM Subject: Don't Fall Asleep in Church A man goes to the minister at his church. "Preacher, he said, wehave a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?" "I'venoticed this and have an idea if you are up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping and Iwill motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the legwith the hat pin. At church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the minister put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin. "Yes! You arecorrect, Mrs. Jones!" came the ministers quick reply. Mrs. Jonesthen turned and glared angrily at her husband. Soon Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning to Mr. Jones. "My God!' howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face. Mrs. Jones againgaveher husband a real hard threatening glare.Before long though she again nodded off. This time however the ministerdid not notice.As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made afew hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hat pin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted! , "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"And all the women in the congregation replied "Amen!"