Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Kill all the lawyers

From: -------------- Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 8:27 PM Subject: Fw: LAWYER JOKE A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are assholes!" A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that." The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?" The second guy responded "No, I'm an asshole."

G-------- to ----- More options 7:51 pm (1 hour ago) It is indeed one of the best, thank you.

I think there is an endless supply of lawyer jokes, some I recall are given here.

Why does New York City have the highest concentration of attorneys per square mile and New Jersey has the highest concentration of toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first choice.

Deep down we've found lawyers aren't so bad, about a twenty five foot hole we've found to be the best.

The truck driver who lived in a small town asked one of the local lawyers clear up a small matter for him. The lawyer phoned the trucker one day on the road, told him that the problem had been resolved favorably and asked him to come by the office at his next opportunity and pay the bill. The trucker came off the road one day, stopped by the lawyer's office, paid his bill of one hundred dollars with a crisp new bill, thanked the lawyer and left. The lawyer noticed later in the day that he had in fact received two one hundred dollar bills tightly stuck together. Then of course the lawyer felt he was in a serious moral dilema, do you know what the dilema was? Of course you do, whether or not to tell his partner about the extra revenue.

It's interesting that those who preform some of the most necessary functions in times of crisis, lawyers and doctors, are the butt of such endless ridicule.

Ever mindful of criticism the lawyers have taken to trying to turn the tables a bit:

"The First Thing We Do, Let's Kill All the Lawyers" Shakespeare's Tribute to Trial Lawyers

The web is just littered with variants of the text found in the link above. It must be commerical boilerplate that's personalized for each lawyer's site.

And finally, a more understandable view:

it's a lawyer joke Seth Finkelstein, sethf@mit.edu

Monday, July 25, 2005

Are there any offensive Buddhist jokes?

George to don More options 8:18 pm (2 minutes ago) I have known this story since about age 10 or 12. Perhaps Catholic school education brings these around early. The story has likely been around for a good while in one form or another and I wouldn't be suprised if it was popularized in the fifties by Neuhart or Berman. Then of course there are the Mary stories, the most popular being:
Jesus encounters a crowd about to stone and adulteress, stepping between the crowd and the adulteress Jesus admonishes the crowd with the well known verse about the sinless throwing the first stone. Whereupon a wizened little woman comes forward with an enormous stone in her hands, and Jesus says, "Oh, mother, please!"
- Show quoted text -
On 7/25/05, don wrote:
- Show quoted text -
And a little religious humor from Rev. W.
don
----- Original Message -----
From: Bob
To:
Sent: Monday, July 25, 2005 2:08 PM
Subject: Israel - Hide quoted text -
I am sure that his Holiness Mr. Valery would appreciate this one.
- Hide quoted text -
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father, "what have I done!" He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike". He said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?" "Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi." They explained their problem to the Rabbi. "Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people? They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens: "Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel...

Friday, July 22, 2005

If you are a REAL TEXAN

bio-----@aol.com to do------n, al------d, B----E, k----- ...

More options 10:47 am (8 hours ago)

This is the best one that I've seen regarding Texas.

Love, Charlotte

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: Txnvbob

To: m-------.net

Date: Fri, 22 Jul 2005 11:20:55 AM Eastern Daylight Time

Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: : Texas

---------- Forwarded message ----------

From: "M--------------

To: <t--------------------------

Date: Sun, 17 Jul 2005 08:49:45 -0500 (Central Daylight Time)

Subject: Fw: Fwd: : Texas

-------Original Message-------

From: P----------

Date: 07/17/05 08:19:00

To: C--------------------

Subject: Fwd: : Texas

Note: forwarded message attached.

TEXAS

When you're from Texas, people that you meet ask you questions

like, Do you have any cows?" "Do you have horses?" "Bet you got

a bunch of guns, eh?"

They all want to know if you've been to Southfork. They watched

Dallas.

Have you ever looked at a map of the world? Look at Texas with

me just for a second. That picture, with the Panhandle and the

Gulf Coast, and the Red River and the Rio Grande is as much a

part of you as anything ever will be.. As soon as anyone

anywhere in the world looks at it they know what it is. It's

Texas. Pick any kid off the street in Japan and draw him a

picture of Texas in the dirt and he'll know what it is. What

happens if I show you a picture of any other state? You might

get it maybe after a second or two, but who else would? And even

if you do, does it ever stir any feelings in you?

In every man, woman and child on this planet, there is a person

who wishes just once he could be a real live Texan and get up on

a horse or ride off in a pickup. There is some little bit of

Texas in everyone

Did you ever hear anyone in a bar go, "Wow...so you're from

Iowa? Cool, tell me about it?" Do you know why? Because

there's no place like Texas.

Texas is the Alamo. Texas is 183 men standing in a church,

facing thousands of Mexican nationals, fighting for freedom, who

had the chance to walk out and save themselves, but stayed

instead to fight and die for the cause of freedom. We send our

kids to schools named William B. Travis and James Bowie and

Crockett and do you know why? Because those men saw a line in

the sand and they decided to cross it and be heroes. John Wayne

paid to do the movie himself. That is the Spirit of Texas.

Texas is Sam Houston capturing Santa Ana at San Jacinto.

Texas is "Juneteenth" and Texas Independence Day.

Texas is huge! forests of Piney Woods like the Davy Crockett

National Forest.

Texas is breathtaking mountains in the Big Bend.

Texas is the unparalleled beauty of bluebonnet fields in the

Texas Hill Country.

Texas is the beautiful, warm beaches of the Gulf Coast of South

Texas.

Texas is the shiny skyscrapers in Houston and Dallas.

Texas is world record bass from places like Lake Fork.

Texas is Mexican food like nowhere else, not even Mexico.

Texas is the Fort Worth Stockyards, Bass Hall, the Ballpark in

Arlington and the Astrodome.

Texas is larger-than-life legends like Michael DeBakey, Denton

Cooley, Willie Nelson, Buddy Holly, Waylon Jennings, Janis

Joplin, Kris Kristofferson, Tom Landry, Darrell Royal, ZZ Top,

Eric Dickerson, Earl Campbell, Nolan Ryan, Sam Rayburn, George

Bush, Lyndon B.Johnson, and George W. Bush.

Texas is great companies like Dell Computer, Texas Instruments

and Compaq. And LOCKHEED MARTIN AEROSPACE,! Home of the F-16 Jet

Fighter and the JSF Fighter.

Texas is NASA.

Texas is huge herds of cattle and miles of crops.

Texas is skies blackened with doves, and fields full of deer.

Texas is a place where towns and cities shut down to watch the

local High School Football game on Friday nights and for the

Cowboys on Monday Night Football, and for the Night In Old San

Antonio River Parade in San Antonio. Texas is ocean beaches,

deserts, lake s and rivers, mountains and prairies, and modern

cities.

If it isn't in Texas, you probably don't need it.

No one does anything bigger or better than it's done in Texas.

By federal law, Texas is the only state in the U.S. that can fly

its flag at the same height as the U.S. flag. Think about that

for a second. You fly the Stars and Stripes at 20 feet in

Maryland, California, or Maine and your state flag, whatever it

is, goes at 17 feet. You fly t! he Stars and Stripes in front of

Pine Tree High in Longview or anyplace else at 20 feet, the Lone

Star flies at the same height - 20 feet. Do you know why?

Because it is the only state that was a republic before it

became a state.

Also, being a Texan is as high as being an American down here.

Our capitol is the only one in the country that is taller than

the capitol building in Washington, D.C. and we can divide our

state into five states at any time if we wanted to! We

included these things as part of the deal when we came on.

That's the best part, right there.

Texas even has its own power grid!!

If you are a REAL TEXAN you won't even need to be told to pass

this on!

Monday, July 04, 2005

Independence Day

This came as a bookmark inserted in a book purchased from an alternate vendor on Amazon. The book was Imperial Hubris, we'll let the vendor remain anonymous. Also, see today's post on Quality of the Light. A little research has shown this novelty bill to be one of a set of thirteen available for purchase at the Novelty Bank Notes section of McCraw Enterprises LLC. The bill is littered with antiwar and antiglobalization website addresses incorporated into the graphics.